A Diva State of Mind

Me: I’ll just chill and crush from afar. I rather live vicariously through my friends.

One of my girlfriends: Okay but don’t make that your life story. You gotta be BOLD sometimes. Remember, you are not here to be a witness.

During a recent chat with my girlfriends, I inquired about what they do in order to stay out of a guy’s friend zone. I met a guy who is really nice and we went out to happy hour (the idea to go out was approached on a friendship level), however afterwards I thought to myself “I’m not sure I want to be placed in the friend zone just yet.” Can I say I really like a guy after one outing? I’m not sure. But I can say that I am intrigued and would be interested in getting to know him. Some would say that in 2014, if a woman is interested in a guy, she should say something and not be afraid to ask him out. That’s the same advice I received from my girlfriends but of course I punked out.

It seems the older I get the more dating comes up with my parents. They haven’t pressured me into being married by now (I’m thankful for that), but every now and then my dad will ask “so are you dating anyone?” During my birthday lunch, somehow we got on the topic of dating and we talked how women should not be afraid to approach a guy if she’s interested; if you like what you see speak up! As I have heard time and time again, you cannot sit on the couch and expect something to happen. You have to put in time and effort. During my birthday party, one of my girlfriends Samantha asked about my single guy friend Charles because she thought he was cute. I asked her if she wanted to be introduced and she immediately said yes. I did my part and introduced them; they have been dating for the past month. Then last week, another friend called while she was on her way to go play pool with a guy she met the night before at Walmart.

So I started thinking, am I putting myself in a position to be a witness to life instead of participating in it, especially when it comes to my dating life? Don’t get me wrong, dating is not easy.  But am I really doing all that I can to put myself in a position to present new dating opportunities? As much as I say I want to date and put it on my vision board each year, I think subconsciously I have a fear of liking someone and being rejected again (based on many previous experiences). That cycle can get exhausting. I have become very comfortable with my single status.  But sometimes comfortable isn’t really living and after awhile, it allows you to be a witness to what is going on around you instead of participating.

You are not here to be a witness not only relates to the dating life of a single girl who is almost 30 (seriously, where the hell did the time go???) but it also applies to life in general. Often times, we sit back and watch others LIVE. They are checking things off their bucket list. They try something new. They step outside their comfort zone which leads them to a path of fulfillment and purpose.  They grab life by the horns and enjoy each and every moment. That’s the life I want to live. I rather live a life of “oh wells” instead of “what ifs.” I want to say “well at least I tried” even if that means embarrassing myself.

I don’t normally have a motto for the year, but you are not here to be a witness just might be it for 2014. Dating is not the only area in my life that I feel like I have allowed myself to become a witness. And now that I have acknowledged that, I must be proactive in changing my behavior; not allowing myself to become comfortable. You are not here to be a witness is a nice reminder that we are not alive to sit on the sidelines and watch things happen. We are here to be an active participant in this journey called life.

Hmmm….Now should I call this guy and ask him if he wants to go out this weekend?

I am currently reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Single Edition and I love it! It is one book I think everyone MUST read.  The first book, The Five Love Languages, is for all of you married couple out there.

According to Chapman, we all have a primary love language out of a list of five:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

While I won’t go into detail about each one (you can read the book for that), determining ones primary love language is key to better communication and love between you and your significant other, parents and friends. Everyone wants to feel loved by those in their life and understanding how to effectively express that love toward those in your life can be life changing.

My primary love language is quality time (I’m sure some of you were able to easily figure that out).  While reading the chapter on this love language, I felt like Chapman was reading my mind!  If your primary love language is quality time, you seek quality interaction and communication with others. This book provided insight into why I felt the way I did last year about my friendships.

In my True Meaning of Friendship post, I was feeling like some of my closest friends who I had spent a lot of time with over the past couple of years were not giving 100% to our friendship.  I’m the type to always reach out to others via phone call, recommendations to attend an event, etc.  I’ve always been that way and I guess understanding that quality time is my primary language make my actions all more clear.  Those feelings I had last year were an expression of me needing to spend quality time with my friends I considered family.

I say all of that to say, that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you read The Five Love Languages (Single Edition for those that are not married). After reading the book, if you choose to determine the love languages of those in your life and work to speak those languages, all of your relationships can only change for the better.  If you are going to read the book, I highly recommend discussing each chapter with someone who has already read the book. Each night after reading a chapter, I discuss what I’ve read with a friend and it is a great way to better comprehend the ideas of the book; it also makes for a really good discussion and will most likely give you a different way to look at the way you interact with people.

Do you know your primary love language? To find out, take the assessment HERE.  Your primary love language may not be want you think it is!

Disclaimer:  Let me go ahead and apologize for the length of this post. My posts aren’t usually excessively long because no one wants to read that much, but this one is a must!!! Enjoy!

I’ve hung out a few times with a friend of mine: we went out to lunch, movies, etc.  And every time we hung out, he would ask: “are we having a sleepover?” My answer every time: “No, why would we do that?”

Now I will admit that we’ve flirted before in a social setting, but does flirting and hanging out a few times (2-3 times) really equate to having sleepovers?  What happened to going out on dates, getting to know each other, talking on the phone (or through g-chat or bbm these days lol). In this new age, has the art of traditional dating really gone out the window??

 Well, I was going to write this long drawn out post about how I feel like there really isn’t a standard when it comes to dating anymore.  But then, I found this article from Black Voices, through Clutch Magazine, on 10 dating rules for single gals.

In the age of social media and“modern” lifestyles, here are some dating rules that will and should never be thrown out the window.  And of course, for some of these rules, I had to follow with some of my own comments!  (My thoughts are italicized)

From Black Voices,

10 Dating Rules To Help Single Gals Stay Sane

 1.  Never ask a guy out
Even in our post modern society where men do respect an independent woman who can do for herself, the thrill of the chase still remains. Men will swear up and down they would rather not deal with a difficult woman or one that is to hard to reel in, but they secretly really do love the challenge. Hard to get still works, because men are smart enough to know nothing worth it comes easy.

 If that’s the case, then this is going to be a boring summer! Lol If I have to sit around and wait for a guy to ask me out, I’ll be waiting forever! Guys talk a good game, but they don’t always step up like they should.  Fellas: If you want to hang out, step up and make the first move!!

2. Never advertise
Branding yourself in business is great, but in your love life? Not so much. Guys recognize that a woman who is always advertising to potential suitors what she can do is also a woman covering up a lot that she can’t deliver. There’s no need to always state how much you can cook or how much you enjoy watching football. If it’s true, actions speak louder than words and he will soon see. Instead of putting all your selling points out there, let him discover your added value.

3. Never do house dates
If you start having dates in the house, you will always stay in… the house. Granted we are in a recession, but work it out, because when you’re first dating someone it is good to see how they interact with not only you, but the public as well. Blockbuster nights are cool but not exactly appropriate for the first few months of dating. You won’t be able to check your guy on romance later on, if you never started expecting it from the jump.

NEVER?? So I’m suppose to wait 2-3 months before a movie night or dinner for two at home?  Now I understand it’s good to see how they interact in public, but I don’t necessarily need 3 months to figure that out.  And dinner and a movie at the house is a nice change of scenery from always going out and can be very romantic.  I also don’t expect either one of us to go broke trying to hang out in public all the time… #justsaying

4. Never pressure him into introducing you to friends/family
Why do you want to get to know Tyrone when you’re still getting to know your man? Guys will allow you meet his boys, his mama or his daughter when they feel comfortable. Most guys feel that bringing a new woman into their “other world” is a major move, and pressing the issue will only cause them to retreat. Realize you’ve been around for a few weeks, and these people have been in his life for much longer. Don’t force the issue; you risk losing the sincerity of the introduction.

5. Never try to control anything but yourself.
When things don’t go the way we want, a few of us go-getters will try to control and manipulate the situation so that it makes more sense to us. When getting to know someone and building a foundation, reach that level of maturity that allows you to know that what will be done will be done, and you can only control how you react. That isn’t to say just put up with just anything, but knowing you can’t change anyone is important. When it’s all said and done, you can only change your own perspective and actions.

LADIES, READ THE HEADING OVER AND OVER AND OVER….no one ever wants to admit it, but most of us want to be in control. And NO, you can’t change a man, so please get that idea out of your head!

6. Never apologize for having standards
Standards are essential; they ward off all the losers. Whether your standards are high or specific make no apologies for them, it is okay to want what you want. What you accept from him in the beginning is what you will have to continually tolerate. Period.

We so often feel like we need to compromise ourselves in order to get what we think we need at the moment!! DON’T!!! Always leave room for compromise and be a little more open to allow yourself the opportunity to meet people you might not have met in different circumstances, but never change your standards for how you should be treated and what you deserve.

7. Never try to think what he is thinking
Trying to think for him, especially in the beginning, will have us lost and mistaken. A man’s mind doesn’t work like ours, and with the pressure society puts on them, more than likely their thoughts are not as love focused. Nine times out 10,what you you may think is deep and serious, he hasn’t even thought twice about. Instead of assuming and being wrong, it’s much easier to ask and discover.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.  We don’t think alike, so stop trying to figure him out!!! Just ask if you really want to know. If you’re dealing with real men, they’ll be open and honest with you.

8. Never invade his privacy
No matter how tempting or how angry you may be, don’t cross the privacy line. That means no rummaging through his drawers, peeking at his cell phone texts when he’s snoring or popping up unannounced to his crib for a “surprise visit.” Whether your intentions are good or not, invading his privacy is like putting him in a choke hold — he’ll start to feel he can’t breathe.

Ladies you know you would feel some type of way if he did the same thing! Let’s remember to treat him the way we want to be treated. It’s that simple.

9. Never tell everything
The idea of leaving something to the imagination doesn’t just apply to your attire, it also applies to your personal business. While it’s good to tell the truth, it never works in your favor to put every secret, every past relationship, every wild moment that transpired out in a dinner conversation. He may open up to you and share his heart, but please believe he’s leaving out a few details. You don’t want any big reveals early in the relationship to later be the reason he runs for the hills when something goes wrong. “She did say she slashed her ex’s tires…”

10. Never let a guy be your only activity
No matter how fun and amazingly connected you feel in the first few months, stay busy with other things. Outside of your job, there should still be other things going on, so that all your energy and time isn’t invested in your suitor to prematurely. Tying it all back to rule No. 1 — guys love a challenge, and there is nothing challenging about a woman who is up under them and always available.

If you’ve been following the blog over the past few months and/or know me, you should know how I feel about this!!! The one thing I hate is when someone gets so caught up and forget that there is a world outside the 2 of them! You had a life before him, so let’s continue to act like it because if it doesn’t last, what are you going to do???

What’s really considered flirting? Is it the exchange of phone numbers? Slow dancing at the club? Buying a drink and chatting for awhile? Making eye contact across the room and staring for that extra second??

A group of friends  recently went out to Happy Hour  and had a great time.  One of the guys and girls seemed to hit it off really well, if you can call it that. They chatted, exchanged contact info and even danced a little bit.  But you would’ve thought they knew each other for a long time; she’d walk by, they would grab hands. They’d all be standing around (both guys and girls) and he’d always grab the one girl to dance, none of his other female friends. They’d talk to each other, but close enough to consider evading personal space.

But I wonder, is all of that only considered flirting?!? Can there be any meaning behind all of the attention?

So what do you think falls under the title of JUST FLIRTING? When does the interaction between 2 people have a deeper meaning?

Why is it that guys will go through the trouble of talking to you and getting your number only to not follow through? I met a guy in Georgetown a couple of months ago. We chatted for a little bit and we exchanged numbers.  We talked every once in a while through text message and he even suggested we go out for lunch or dinner.  I told him that sounded great, just let me know! I have yet to go out for lunch or dinner, but I’ll receive a message from him talking about “haven’t heard from you in a while” or “you’re so busy.” Obviously I’m not that busy b/c I told you we could definitely hang out.  I’m just waiting for you!! Where is the follow thru?

On a second occasion, I saw a friend from high school who suggested that we hang out.  We exchanged numbers and again texted often. He asked me last week when I was available to hang out.  I told him when I was free, he said “that’s what I like to hear.” I haven’t heard from him since so of course we didn’t hang out last week.

What’s the point of you guys going through the trouble of getting a female’s number and hitting her up only to not make moves.  I’m not saying you have to make me your girlfriend, but if you’re going to make an effort to seem interested in going on a date, them be about it make that movement.  I mean be about the business or don’t be about it at all. But don’t waste my text messages and minutes (if you don’t have Verizon) if you aren’t going to be a man about it and go ahead and make plans to go out.  Just saying….

How soon is too soon to get into a relationship? A close friend of mine had been dating a guy for 2 weeks and on day number 15, she told us that the guy she has been seeing is now her boyfriend. Excuse me, did you say BOYFRIEND??? You do realize, you’ve only known this person for 15 days.  Do you even know his last name??  I’m just saying…..

Most people usually talk, date (whatever you want to call it) for about 3-4 months before they decide to take things to the next level. Can you really say that you’ve connected with a personal on a deep enough level to make them your boyfriend or girlfriend after 2 weeks? How do you know after such a short period of time that you really want to make things long-term.  Yes at our age, when we enter into a relationship, we are ultimately saying  we want to be in that relationship long-term.

Is the saying really true, “when it’s right, you just know.” I mean we hear about people all the time getting married after 6 or less months of dating.  All I can say in this situation is that I really do hope it works out…

As for me, someone’s going to have to date me for at least 3 months before I decide to make you my boo! You aren’t going to know enough about me after 15 days to decide if you can really stand to be around me and I’m sure as hell not going to know if I want to really be in a committed relationship after such a short period of time.  You’ll be lucky if I remember your name after 2 weeks!

This weekend in Pittsburgh was not only a reunion, but definitely sparked some interesting conversations between me and my friends!  Without going into too much detail, the topic of jump offs came up between me and one of my friends.  My friend Kristina* is in a friendship with a male friend and that friendship could go to the next level (no, not a relationship but friends with benefits). Actually, according to many, the friendship should’ve gone to the next level a long time ago, but the point is she is wondering does that make her a jump off in her friend’s eyes.

Most of my female friends don’t put themselves in “jump off” situations, so I wondered would my friend really be a jump off if she decided to take her friendship to another level.  I mean, they are both consenting adults who want to and at the same time, they aren’t looking to be in a relationship (although they have been playing this flirting game for over 2 years so you never know about these two). At the same time, they are friends and do send “where have you been messages” when they haven’t talked or seen each other in a while.  So a true established friendship is there.  So to ease my friend’s worries, I went online and found a blog that talked about the true definition of a jump off.

According to the blog site, a jump off doesn’t have any benefits  outside of what takes place after 12am; meaning you don’t hang out, go to dinner & movies, have conversations about other things than sex etc.  The only thing you talk about is when you’ll be hanging out after 12am again (you get my drift).

Check out http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2009/02/17/definition-of-a-jump-off/ for the entire blog.

If you’re really unsure what you think you’ll be labeled as, just ask.  Guys will be honest with you, believe me! I’ve learned this from hanging out with my male friends.  Guys are honest; most of the time females just think they’re jerks because they speak the truth and say what we don’t want to hear. In this situation though, Kristina is most likely not a jump off.  If she was, her friend would’ve moved on by now and not care when they didn’t interact as friends.  So who knows what will happen in Kristina’s case; if she does decide to move on to a friends with benefits relationship, she just has to be prepared that the interaction between her and her friend will never be the way it was before.

*Name has been change

So I was out at dinner last night with my best friend and we noticed a guy and girl sitting at a table across from us. I told my friend, I hope they aren’t on a date, because he was definitely on his phone!!! That scene sparked us to sit at the table and come up with some date etiquette rules.  Please keep in mind, these apply to both guys and girls!

1. Don’t show up too early or late – It’s not a good idea to show up 45 minutes early and have to wait for your date to finish getting ready. And showing up late shows that you really don’t care about the date.  5-10mins before is appropriate…like you would for an interview.

2. If you ask to take someone out, you pay the bill – Most guys get this concept, but ladies, if you’re going to be the independent women that you are and ask a guy out, you are offering to pay the bill.

3. Come with a plan, but leave room for spontaneity – Please don’t arrive and ask “so what do you want to do?” If you’re the one who initiated the date, you need to have a plan but know that it doesn’t have to be set in stone.

4. Chivalry please! – Guys, please be a gentleman.  This means, opening doors, pulling a chair out and letting the lady walk in the door before you.

5. Don’t talk about yourself the entire time- Talking about yourself the entire time shows that you aren’t really interested in your date.  Ask questions to show interest.

6. Compliments would be nice – Compliments show that you are paying attention to the details and really taking the time to notice your date.

7.  Don’t mention past dates/relationships, politics, and religion – These topics are off limits.

8.  Look presentable – You would think this is a no brainer, but some people just don’t get it.  We are all grown ups, so let’s act like we care about our appearance.

9.  Stay off the cell phone!! – Texting, checking voicemail, Twitter, Facebook, even talking on your phone shows that you aren’t interested in the date or enjoying yourself.  If you didn’t want to be there, you shouldn’t have agreed go on the date in the first place!

10.  HAVE FUN AND ENJOY THE MOMENT!

So when you want to take that step and ask someone out on a date, keep these tips in mind so there will be a second and third date in the future!

The iPhone has now created an application that will help you find Mr./Mrs. Right and avoid entertaining Mr./Mrs. Wrong!! The new iPhone Date Check application created by Intelius.  All you need is a person’s name and/or telephone number and you use that information to search a massive database that contains the background information of any person you are seeking to find. This info includes their name, address, phone number, and information on their criminal past, you can get info about their education. You can even find out if he still lives at home with his mama!!

While this sounds very interesting, some would argue that this application is an invasion of privacy and if you’re talking to someone who has a common name, the criminal record of John Doe may not be the background of the John Doe you’re talking to. So is this a great application??

What do you think? Would you use it???