A Diva State of Mind

When we were kids in elementary school, we used to exchange Valentine’s Day cards and candy with our classmates. In high school, girls may have walked around with balloons they received from their boyfriends. Under the age of 21, Valentine’s Day was fun and cute.

But once you become an adult, it’s a different ball game (for some).

Over the past few days, I have seen a lot of chatter online about Valentine’s Day. Single women complain about being single on that day. Women in relationships stress about what they should get for their boo. After all, men are more simple creatures when it comes to gifts. Guys scramble to make last minute dinner plans since Valentine’s Day is such a big deal for their lady. I have contributed to the online chatter by writing three blog posts over the past couple years related to the day: 1) Valentine’s Day Ideas: Singles & Couples 2) Valentine’s Day Is Not About The Gift 3) Ask Keri: What Should I Wear For Valentine’s Day?

But when I sit back and think about it, I wonder “why is Valentine’s Day such a big deal?”

Valentine’s Day is not a religious holiday like Easter or Christmas.  It’s not a holiday that brings family and friends together under one room to spend precious time together like Thanksgiving. Instead, February 14^th has become the one day out of the year where people spend too much money on flowers and candy and stress about giving the perfect romantic gift.

While I understand it is important to show love and appreciation, shouldn’t people be doing that all year?  I know I’m different than most; but I much rather have a significant other take me out for a romantic dinner or shower me with roses on a day I’d least expect it. We have been conditioned to think that February 14^th is the day that we all must go above and beyond. And if you’re single on that day, well then you might as well go hide under a rock.

Why not switch things up and do special things on a day that has not been so commercialized?

Although I don’t get the hype surrounding Valentine’s Day, I did make plans to hang out with my favorite girlfriends tonight.  I mean, if everyone else is going to DO the most on this day, the least we can do is get together and go out for dinner and a movie (weather permitting of course).

If you’re single, don’t beat yourself up over this “holiday.” It’ll pass before you know and we’ll go back to living like we were before Feb 14^th. If you’re in a relationship, don’t stress yourself out about finding the “perfect” gift. If anything, use the day to take a break from life and spend time together, especially if your schedules have caused you and your boo to miss having some much needed quality time.

At the end of the day, Valentine’s Day is just another day on the calendar.

*Goes back to eating chocolate and sipping a glass of wine*

We could all use a little light in our lives during this time of darkness we’re facing in the country.

Ryan Leak took things to another level when he decided to propose and marry his girlfriend Amanda on the same day! While they were dating, Ryan overheard Amanda tell someone that she wanted to get engaged and married on the same day.  So Ryan took things into his own hands and made it happen. With the help of Amanda’s pinterest board and friends, he pulled off an engagement and wedding in Miami earlier this year. And instead of asking for wedding gifts, the couple asked all guest to make a donation to A21, an organization that fights sex trafficing. Ryan had a videographer capture it all.

Check it out!

I read a few comments and some were caught off guard that the day Ryan proposed was the first time he said “I love you” considering they dated for five years. I was a little surprised too, however if it works for them, that’s all that matters. I thought their special day was so beautiful!

When it comes to that special day, as Josh from Good Morning America said, “that guy is killing guys everywhere!” May God bless their union.

What do you think about a having a proposal and getting married on the same day? 

Last Friday morning, tweets scrolled down my timeline about nude pictures being leaked on twitter by a man scorned. Apparently the guy’s now ex-girlfriend cheated on him; before posting the nude photos, he posted a picture of her asking him not to leak the photos. His response ““b*tch get out of my inbox.”

Some said she got what she deserved because she cheated. Of course others disagreed. No matter how scorned you are, being upset does not give you the right to violate someone or their property. Now I know cheating is a huge violation of trust.  But he can end the relationship, deal with those emotions and move on. Dragging this woman through social media hell by leaking her pictures takes things to a whole different level.  I’m sure the pictures have been retweeted multiple times and those who agreed with the man’s actions called the ex-girlfriend every name but a child of God.  This woman is ultimately experiencing sexual harassment and will forever have to live with the fact someone can Google naked pictures of her.

“go sit somewhere and process your ish like an adult. You are not entitled to stalk, harass, assault others or damage property because you ‘re mad” - Demetrica Lucas

Call me old-fashioned or conservative when it comes to relationships, but this situation is why I would never send naked pictures to a significant other. Yes even if I was married. If you want to see what I look like naked, come see me at home! I know; we SHOULD trust our partners and believe that they wouldn’t do anything to violate us but you never know what people are capable of when things go left. I’m sure the ex-girlfriend in this situation never thought that the photos she shared would end up Twitter.  Don’t put crazy past anybody when they are scorned!

We live in a society where things are overshared on social media ALL THE TIME!  I’ve seen dissertations on Facebook (literally a play by play of a situation), pictures of people lying in bed in a “seductive” pose (which caught me off guard since the person had a boyfriend. Share that with him not your IG followers), screen shots of conversations and more!  We are a society that likes to share! So if we share so much during good times, what makes you think people aren’t going to share a lot during bad? Society as a whole lacks discretion so I wouldn’t put it past anyone to post something that was supposed to be sacred.

Is the guy who posted the leaked photos a jerk? Absolutely. Maybe he demonstrated these characteristics when he and his ex were together so she shouldn’t put it past him to leak photos.  If people in relationships want to send each other photos, they have the right to do so. It’s not a bad thing; just keep in mind you expose yourself to the possibility of your photos literally being shared with the world.

And to the guys that think posting nude pictures for revenge is ok, take some advice from Rich Jones:

*side eye to the women that agree with a man leaking pictures *

What do you think about sending your partner nude pictures? Have you ever had your pictures leaked?

 One of the biggest lessons you can learn in life is learning how to pick your battles. 

People may piss you off. Someone may hurt your feelings. But every disrespectful, hurtful action from someone doesn’t require your attention or retaliation.  I know, we want to check someone when they do us wrong (I’m that type), but sometimes (not all the time) it’s just not worth it. 

When it comes to choosing your battles, it really comes down to what do you really want to spend your time being upset over? For example, my friend has taken the role of being the organizer for our annual ski trip. A handful out of 20 people has made comments about the trip that she did not necessarily care for. Let’s just say I am still trying to calm her down. But should she take those comments personally? Probably not; those handful of folks aren’t attacking her. And honestly, I am not sure they realize they come across as being disrespectful. My friend could spend her time being upset or she could brush it off and think of the big picture: a great ski trip.

Friendships and interactions with people are tricky. We aren’t always going to get it right. If someone does something to you that would make you upset, acknowledge it, inform them about it (if necessary) and then move on. I am sure it’s not worth being upset over for days or brainstorming aggressive ways to respond (I know all too well from experience). And although you may move on, let their actions also be a lesson on how to interact with them in the future. 

I’m not giving this advice as if I’ve mastered it. I’m still learning too. But I have come to realize that a lot of the stuff we spend our time and energy being upset about is not life changing. Am I saying let everything roll off your back? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that we be a bit more strategic about what we allow to upset us. 

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering” - The Four Agreements

If your friend’s spouse was cheating and you knew, would you tell your friend?

This post is inspired about a recent incident on Love & Hip Hop. Here’s a recap:

Rasheed and Kirk are married. Rasheeda found out she was pregnant and told Kirk. Instead of being excited, he told her she should get an abortion. They were trying to make some major career changes and the timing wasn’t perfect. He also suggested that the baby wasn’t his since Rasheeda is a rapper and they live a certain lifestyle (the baby is definitely his).  There as a lot of back and forth and eventually, Rasheeda told Kirk he needed to leave and really figure out what he wanted to do in terms of their family. He interpreted the request to leave as a free pass; during a boys trip to a cabin, he got it in with one or two “popcorn heauxs.” Rasheeda’s friend Traci found out and told Rasheeda.

For those that watch the show, did I miss anything?

Overall Kirk is trifling, but we’ll just focus on the “telling a friend their spouse is cheating” part. That is tricky!! I’ve never been in this situation. My initial reaction would be to tell my friend. How could I keep something like that from them? As a friend, I want the best for them; being cheated on is beyond unacceptable!

A coworker and I talked about this a few weeks ago and she provided a different perspective.  While telling a friend about a cheating spouse comes from a good place, the friend may not be very receptive. They may not believe you. After all, no one wants to hear from an outside source that their spouse is cheating. Sharing this type of information could ruin your friendship (it happens more often than you’d think).

What would you do?? If your friend’s spouse is cheating, do you spill the beans? Would you want your friend to tell you if your spouse was cheating?

Would you date someone if they lived in another country? I never thought this could possibly work until I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago about a guy she’s dating.

My friend Nancy* was introduced to Dan* via email in March. They were introduced for networking purposes. She was making some major decisions regarding her career and he had been down a similar path so a mutual family member thought it was a good idea that they be introduced.

Nancy initially sent an email to Dan with the intent of networking only. After all, she didn’t really know him so at that point she was hoping he would be a resource to answer career questions she had. But the more and more they talked, via phone and video chats (there was no catfishing going on here!), the more comfortable they became which lead to a mutual attraction.

So after months of “dating,” Nancy caught a flight to London to visit Dan for a week. And I can’t wait to hear about her trip! It’s one thing to date someone in another state. But dating someone overseas requires some serious preparation! I’m not sure how often people dating in different states go without seeing each other, but when you’re dating overseas you can’t get up and visit as often as you’d like. You may go months without seeing each other, unless your ballin’ and can just get up and go when you feel like it. 

For me, my primary love language is quality time meaning I seek quality interaction and communication with others.  That text book definition could mean that technically talking to someone regularly would be fulfilling, but I know me and I like to be in the presence of others. So I’m not sure I’d be the best candidate for a long distance relationship, especially one overseas but everyone is different.  If you met a person of the opposite sex at an event, through a mutual friend, etc. and they lived in another country, would you entertain the idea of dating them?

 Photo: Manifesting My Destiny

*Names have been changed

WE tv is bringing a new reality show to the network title “Pregnant & Dating.” According to the network:

Traditionally, love is followed by marriage  and then along comes motherhood, but in this fresh new original series, viewers join these fearless five as they experience the modern day dating game with a baby on board. The spotlight will be on all the drama, conflict and inherent comedy that ensues when these very spirited and single moms-to-be embark on their quest to find Mr. Right, or at least Mr. Right Now. Refusing to accept stereotypes, these women thoughtfully manage a combination of active hormones, overbearing families, inattentive fathers-to-be and a slew of dates both rocky and redeeming, as they put together their most modern of families.

Twitter was crazy this morning after a local radio personality asked the question “would you date a woman that was pregnant?” There was definitely a variety of comments on this topic!!  Women shared that they were approached by men when pregnant. Some have friends who are now married to the guy that approached them while they were pregnant. Men talked about how pregnant box is supposed to be amazing (really??). Other guys thought any man who approaches a pregnant woman to date or have sex with her is desperate and/or a creeper!  It was a lot going on before 8:30am on a Friday!

After seeing all the comments I finally checked out the trailer. Let me say this: there’s nothing wrong with a single woman looking for love or sex (for those that aren’t looking for a serious relationship). But is looking for love while you prepare to bring a baby into the world the right time? I couldn’t imagine putting my energy into dating while also preparing for motherhood; that preparation would be my first priority. Can’t dating wait until after the baby is born? It’s already hard enough getting adjusted to a newborn, but you want to get adjusted to having a baby AND a new relationship at the same time?! And men, is having sex with a pregnant woman really a fantasy for some of y’all???

After all of the buzz this morning surrounding the show, I’ll be tuning in tonight (May 31st) at 10pm to check it out. While I don’t understand, I’m interested to see why these women chose to find Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now during their pregnancy and the interesting experiences that come out of dating while pregnant.

What are your thoughts on dating while pregnant? Men - Would you date a woman that was pregnant?  Are you tuning in?

“I never thought I would date outside of my race,” Eve admits. “I never thought it would seriously be something that I considered because of where we come from. Interracial dating is still not as prevalent in our community. But when I met him, it was something that was so familiar. We recognize each other in a deeper way. If somebody is treating me the way I’m supposed to be treated, who cares what race he happens to be? It took a while for us to get comfortable, but when things got serious, we went for it. When we first started having pictures taken of us, I got so many negative tweets. It shocked me. I wondered where all of that hatred was coming from. It annoys me because America is a great country. But there are a lot of hypocrites. Would you rather me date someone, like my ex [Stevie J], just because he’s black? Or would you rather me be happy?”

It’s 2013, so crossing racial lines for love shouldn’t be a problem, but for some people it is.  As Eve pointed out, she received a lot of negative feedback when people found out her boyfriend was white. It is because she’s black? Is is because she’s a rapper so she’s expected to date black men?? If she’s happy, why does it matter if her boyfriend is white?

Two years ago I wrote the article “Yes, Women Should Carry Condoms.” That year marked the 30^th anniversary of the first AIDS case. Considering HIV/AIDS cases are the highest among African America women, I thought it was important to remind women that we are in charge of our own safety. While many rely on men to carry protection, at the end of the day, we are responsible of what happens to our bodies.

Yesterday I came across an article by Chevy B titled “A“Woman” Carries Condoms. A “Lady” Doesn’t…”  Chevy is big on gender roles and claims that only a “certain type” of woman carries condoms. While I agree that ladies should take their time getting know a guy before engaging in sex, I don’t agree with the idea that only a “certain type” of woman carries condoms. The article is too long to post here, so I’ll highlight some areas that I thought posed as a dangerous message to women:

The woman who carries around condoms is known as “Ms. Ready, Willing & Able” or a “Jump Off” because a female carrying around condoms gives off the impression that she is ready, willing, and able to jump on/off of any guy at any given time. No patience, no restraint, no value!!! Sex should be given to a man once he’s earned that privilege. Once that privilege is earned, he knows better than to show up unprepared. A responsible adult male doesn’t need a woman’s assistance when it comes to carrying condoms… believe me!!! Sex is on his brain all day and all night; He will be prepared!

Jump off- A female who’s ready, willing, able to have sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone just for thrills.

A prostitute carries condoms everywhere she goes because sex is what she does for a living, and she has to protect herself from HIV/AIDS/STDs & pregnancy from the random men she sleeps with. It’s literally “her” job to make sure she is protected because the men approaching her care nothing about her health, and clearly they care nothing about their own if they’re willing to sleep with a prostitute. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense for a prostitute to carry around condoms on a regular basis.

A woman carrying condoms is a huge reflection of her character. It’s far deeper than “I want to be safe”. It’s symbolic of impatience, ambiguity, and promiscuity. Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, 1st Lady Serita Jakes, and hopefully your mother are less likely to carry condoms because they are ladies of strong character, good morals, values, and principles. They respect their bodies, their families, and their reputation enough to have sex “exclusively” with the man they married. Buffie Da Body, Lil Kim, and Remy Ma… on the other hand are more likely to carry around condoms because they exhibit poor character, and lack a good set of morals, values, and principles.

What about a man who carries condoms? Does that make him a jump-off too?? There are plenty of guys walking around with condoms in their pocket but I don’t hear anyone calling them jump-offs. That’s right, that is part of being a man.  Talk about a double standard!!! SMDH!!!

I agree sex should be given to a man once he’s earned the privilege, but just because he has earned that privilege does not mean women should rely solely on him to be responsible. What if he forgets? What if two people in a committed relationship decide to have “surprise sex” and he doesn’t have a condom? Both parties engaging in sex should be prepared at all times!

Junior year I moved into my own apartment and my dad gave me a small box of condoms.  Believe me, I was NOT getting it in, but my dad wanted to stress the importance of being safe and protecting myself.  Does that make me a jump-off because I had them?

In a perfect world, people would not have sex until they were married. But guess what, it is 2013 and people are having sex before marriage.   It is dangerous to tell women they are jump-offs if they have condoms.   It’s an offensive way to say that women should not be responsible for protecting their bodies if they decide to have sex.  Just because one is in a committed relationship DOES NOT mean their partner is always going to do the right thing.

Many men have argued that women who have condoms are looked down on; they aren’t the marrying kind.  Maybe those men are insecure, because I would think any GROWN man would appreciate a woman being just as responsible as he is when it comes to having safe sex.

You can read the entire article HERE. Let me know your thoughts in the comments section!

Lately it seems like everyone is engaged, just got married or having kids.  If you’re in your late twenties and single without kids, do you feel like you’re behind?

Every time I talk to one of my friends, the topic of marriage and kids comes up. She’ll be 28 this year and like me, she is not in a relationship. It seems to really bother her that she’s almost 30, without a husband or kids. I sometimes sit and wonder “damn, is it REALLY THAT BAD that you don’t have either of those things right now?”

Where did this idea of being married and having kids before the age of 30 come from? Do women (and men) fear being consider “old parents?” Has society made us feel like we haven’t accomplished anything if marriage and kids don’t happen at a certain age?

I’ll be 28 in March and personally I don’t feel pressure to be married or have kids right now. Do I want to be in a relationship?  Yes. Am I ready to walk down the aisle right now? No.  Post graduate school, I don’t think I envisioned myself getting married before 30. And I’m definitely not ready for kids right now. I’m still trying to get my life in order; how can I possibly be responsible for someone else??

I was getting my hair done on Friday and the married lady next to me starting talking about how women these days are so pressed for marriage that often times they settle. PREACH!!! Instead of enjoying single life, dating and waiting to find a mate, some women end up settling just so they can have the title of being someone’s wife.  To all of you out there wanting to get married and have kids, please don’t settle!! If you end up not getting married until you’re over 30 years old, that is ok! That’s better than settling for someone at 28 and not being happy.

Everyone has their own timeline of when they want things to happen in life. Marriage and kids are some of those things we cannot control (if you believe in having children after you’re married). I would hope that while we all pursue living a life of love with a significant other and creating our own families in the future, we don’t feel like we are incomplete or we haven’t accomplished much because those areas are temporarily missing. Let’s have faith that we will receive the desires of our heart when the time is right!

What are your thoughts on marriage and kids?  If you’re in your late twenties, do you feel pressured to get married and have kids by a certain age?