A Diva State of Mind

This season on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, viewers witnessed Cynthia undergo surgery for fibroids.  The fibroids had caused bloating (she sometimes looked pregnant), discomfort, pain and no desire to have sex. Since she had experienced these symptoms for awhile, I would hope that her husband would be sympathetic and interested in understanding what her options were to have them removed so she could live a life free of those symptoms.

Unfortunately, that last statement doesn’t apply to Cynthia’s husband, Peter Thomas. During an episode of the show, while Cynthia complained about being bloated and discussed going to see a doctor, Peter joked about how she looked and made light of the situation.  Not too long after Cynthia had surgery to have the fibroids removed, Peter asked when they would be able to have sex again.  Sir, can your wife’s uterus heal first before you start worry about sex?? *side eye*

But what really made me go “huh?” was a recent interview Peter and Cynthia gave to Life & Style Magazine.  During the interview, Cynthia revealed that had she not had surgery this year, she and Peter wouldn’t have made it. “We’d be divorced for sure” she says. And Peter agreed, “I know we would’ve been done. There is absolutely no way we could have survived another year if things hadn’t changed” (things meaning not having sex consistently).  There were times they’d go three months without sex and at one point, Peter considered having his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, “Me and my buddies were planning a trip to Venezuela because nobody knows us there, ” he shared.

Luckily for them, Cynthia is healthy and their area lot more intimate now. But what happened to those vows they took when they got married? “In sickness and in health.” Seriously, Peter’s wife is suffering from painful fibroids and he’s worried about having his sexual needs met by some randoms in Venezuela??  What if she had a more serious condition like cancer?!

It’s quite disappointing to hear a man say he’d cheat on his wife because he was not having sex regularly due to her health condition. Newsflash Peter, everything isn’t going to be perfect in your marriage and it’s not going to always be about you!

Marriage is supposed to be sacred. You’re supposed to be faithful to your spouse and the vows you took. If you can’t be there for your significant other through the worst of times, maybe you shouldn’t get married.

But hey, I’m single. What do you I know?

What do you think? Was Peter justified? Ladies, what would you do if you were Cynthia?

We could all use a little light in our lives during this time of darkness we’re facing in the country.

Ryan Leak took things to another level when he decided to propose and marry his girlfriend Amanda on the same day! While they were dating, Ryan overheard Amanda tell someone that she wanted to get engaged and married on the same day.  So Ryan took things into his own hands and made it happen. With the help of Amanda’s pinterest board and friends, he pulled off an engagement and wedding in Miami earlier this year. And instead of asking for wedding gifts, the couple asked all guest to make a donation to A21, an organization that fights sex trafficing. Ryan had a videographer capture it all.

Check it out!

I read a few comments and some were caught off guard that the day Ryan proposed was the first time he said “I love you” considering they dated for five years. I was a little surprised too, however if it works for them, that’s all that matters. I thought their special day was so beautiful!

When it comes to that special day, as Josh from Good Morning America said, “that guy is killing guys everywhere!” May God bless their union.

What do you think about a having a proposal and getting married on the same day? 

Lately it seems like everyone is engaged, just got married or having kids.  If you’re in your late twenties and single without kids, do you feel like you’re behind?

Every time I talk to one of my friends, the topic of marriage and kids comes up. She’ll be 28 this year and like me, she is not in a relationship. It seems to really bother her that she’s almost 30, without a husband or kids. I sometimes sit and wonder “damn, is it REALLY THAT BAD that you don’t have either of those things right now?”

Where did this idea of being married and having kids before the age of 30 come from? Do women (and men) fear being consider “old parents?” Has society made us feel like we haven’t accomplished anything if marriage and kids don’t happen at a certain age?

I’ll be 28 in March and personally I don’t feel pressure to be married or have kids right now. Do I want to be in a relationship?  Yes. Am I ready to walk down the aisle right now? No.  Post graduate school, I don’t think I envisioned myself getting married before 30. And I’m definitely not ready for kids right now. I’m still trying to get my life in order; how can I possibly be responsible for someone else??

I was getting my hair done on Friday and the married lady next to me starting talking about how women these days are so pressed for marriage that often times they settle. PREACH!!! Instead of enjoying single life, dating and waiting to find a mate, some women end up settling just so they can have the title of being someone’s wife.  To all of you out there wanting to get married and have kids, please don’t settle!! If you end up not getting married until you’re over 30 years old, that is ok! That’s better than settling for someone at 28 and not being happy.

Everyone has their own timeline of when they want things to happen in life. Marriage and kids are some of those things we cannot control (if you believe in having children after you’re married). I would hope that while we all pursue living a life of love with a significant other and creating our own families in the future, we don’t feel like we are incomplete or we haven’t accomplished much because those areas are temporarily missing. Let’s have faith that we will receive the desires of our heart when the time is right!

What are your thoughts on marriage and kids?  If you’re in your late twenties, do you feel pressured to get married and have kids by a certain age? 

Marriage before 30 years old was the topic of discussion the other night on the radio.  Some argue that getting married before your 30 years old is too soon; your twenties should be a time of freedom! In the words of Wendy Williams:

“Today is such a great time to be a woman. In our mother’s generation, women got married in their twenties, and stayed at home ironing men’s shirts. But now women are graduating from college and graduate school at astronomical rates. I think women should spend their twenties having fun, kissing boys, doing your thing, and that the thirties are for marriage. You should never get married until you have stayed in your own apartment—no parents, no roommates, you can come home, sit in your bra and panties in front of the fan. You must go on a vacation by yourself before you get married. Have fun in your twenties! Get married in your thirties.”

As someone who is enjoying her freedom, I agree women (and men) should spend their twenties having fun and doing their thing.  I’m having a great time enjoying my independence and growing as a woman; I love the person I am becoming.  While I desire to date, I couldn’t imagine myself married right now and that feeling may come from the fact that I haven’t found someone I could envision myself being with for the rest of my life.

However, while I think the twenties are a great time for women to live life, travel and chill at home in a bra and panties in front of a fan, that journey is not for everyone and that is ok.  I have two friends who were married by the time they were 25 and honestly I couldn’t image them living any other life. Instead of exploring their twenties independently and with their girlfriends, they are enjoying those moments with their best friend, their spouse.  It should also be noted that they dated their husbands since high school and college so it was about time!

The “perfect time” for marriage is different for everyone. And as someone who believes everything happens for a reason, there is a reason some of us are married before we’re 30 and others aren’t. Everyone’s path is different.   When it comes to matters of the heart, there really is no “perfect time.” When the right person shows up, whether your 25 or 35, there’s nothing you can really do about it.

What do you think? Should people wait until they are 30+ to get married?

Last week, the February 2012 cover of Essence was released.  While Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade received a lot of praise for looking fabulous and being so in love, a lot of people criticized the relationships:

“…But to put their romantic relationship on the cover of a magazine as an ideal worth celebrating assumes that we all have short term memories and is selling Essence readers (and the notion of Black Love) short. You play how you practice. You can’t start a relationship where one partner is not free and clear from their spouse and expect it to yield something healthy.” Ije commenting on Clutch Magazine

“Of course u can find love at any age when u help him cheat on his wife. SMH that ppl saying how great of a couple they are…just remember how u got him is how u lose him!!” – edm325 commenting on Fashion Bomb Daily

Let me start off by saying I do not condone cheating AT ALL! If you’re in a committed relationships, that is absolutely unacceptable.  BUT, if you and your spouse have decided to divorce, have become legally separated, no longer live under the same roof and are just waiting for the ink to dry on your divorce papers, does that mean you’re free to date??

A divorce settlement can take a few months or it can take YEARS and honestly I do not think it’s realistic to ask any man or woman to wait YEARS before they can start dating again.  I’m not saying you should file for divorce on Monday and hook up with a new boo on Tuesday; that looks a little shady. But I do think that if a divorce is going to take an extended period of time to become final, one should not have to put their life on hold during that time period. That’s unrealistic.

For example, I know someone who has been legally separated from her husband for over 10 years. Do you really think they’ve been sitting around not dating for 10 years!?!? YEA RIGHT!  They have both moved on and dated other people.

We don’t know the specifics of Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade’s relationships, but if he and his wife were separated and waiting for the divorce to be final, is it wrong for him to move on and find someone who he can be in a healthy relationships with?  As long as these two are content with their situation, who are we to judge?

People often separate, move out of their marital home, and start dating again before the divorce is finalized. Depending upon the circumstances a divorce can take as little as a few months to as long as a couple of years. I’m not saying I approve of people dating before their divorce is finalized but I don’t think it’s fair to call them home wreckers or adulterers for moving on with their lives before the ink on the papers is dry. – Jamila commenting on Clutch Magazine

What do you think? If You’re Legally Separated, Are You Free To Date? Would you ever date someone going through a divorce? Why or why not?

On last night’s episode of “Love & Hip Hop”, Chrissy struggles with what she wants to do next in terms of her relationships with Jim Jones. Last year, she proposed to him in front of family and friends.  However, they haven’t really moved forward in their relationships since (meaning he hasn’t bought her a ring and they haven’t made any plans for a wedding).  Chrissy is now trying to decide whether or not she wants to move on from the relationship because she is ready for marriage but Jim Jones doesn’t appear to be moving in that direction any time soon.

Ladies, if you were in a relationship, had been together for years and felt marriage was the next step, how long would you wait around until your man was ready for marriage?  I’m not talking about both of you deciding after a certain number of years that you’re ready for marriage.  I’m talking about if you were in Chrissy’s situation. You have had been there for your man through thick and thin, supported him in all his endeavors, showed him unconditional love, and felt that it was time for marriage (and expressed that to him) but he hasn’t shown the same eagerness in return, how long would you wait?

In Chrissy’s case, there is nothing more she can do. She has literally done it all to prove she loves Jim Jones and is ready to become his wife.  On the preview for next week’s episode, we see Chrissy take a break and travel to Miami. I guess she leaves Jim Jones at home to “think about their situation.” According to blog sites, while in Miami, Jones does propose, but you can’t help but wonder: did he do so because he really wanted to or did he do so because he felt pressure from Chrissy?

It’s not secret; if a man is getting the milk for free, many times (not all), he isn’t going to be in a rush for marriage. Why should Jim Jones be in a hurry to get married? He loves her. They have been together for seven years and live together.  She has already proposed, he wears the ring she gave him and acknowledges her as his partner by “default” (his words, not mine).

Personally, I don’t know if I could stay. I don’t believe that a woman should have to “beg” for a man’s hand in marriage. After awhile I’d get tired of wanting something my significant other doesn’t appear to want for the relationship. I know I know, some men are scared. Others love the woman they are with but think things will change once the marriage title is added to the relationships.  While I commend Chrissy for going after what she wants by proposing to Jim Jones last year, that’s not something I would’ve done; call me old fashion!  A man who loves a woman unconditionally and wants to spend the rest of his life with her will put aside his fears and step up.

I also think that if I have done all I can to express my love for a man and desire to want to spend the rest of my life with him and that is not reciprocated, it’s probably time to take a step back and re-evaluate if that’s really a situation we need to be in. Especially if both parties’ expectation for the relationship are not the same.

Ladies, if you’re ready for marriage and he isn’t, how long do you stay until he is?

One of my friends posted this video on Facebook last night.  I thought about giving a synopsis of what happens in the video, but I’ll just let you check it out All I’ll say is that the marriage proposal is very creative; this guy definitely set the bar high!

Love it!!

I was watching “Love & Hip-Hop” last night (don’t ask me why), and Chrissy, Jim Jones’ girlfriend of six years, proposed to him in front of a group of family and friends. She knew that her future included Jim as her husband, so she took the next step in their relationship to try and make that a reality (of course we’ll have to wait until next week to find out if he says yes). While I understand why Chrissy proposed, she has been with Jim Jones for six years; if he hasn’t proposed after all that time, is he really interested in getting married? More importantly, does he want to be married to Chrissy?

If you knew your boyfriend was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, would you be as bold as Chrissy and propose? I’m not talking about a casual “we should get married.” I mean a real proposal, ideally how you’d want him to propose to you. Society has taught us that the man should propose. But in the year 2011, when more women are courting men (asking them out on dates, paying for dates, etc) is it really a society faux pas to ask a man to be your husband?

I believe a man should ask for a women’s hand in marriage.  It’s an unspoken rule.  While the male/female dynamic in relationships have become so untraditional these days,  a man proposing to a woman is one tradition that should not change.  That is a moment in time when a man has decided he is ready to settle down and truly commit himself to one woman for the rest of his life. For men, that’s a big deal!!! Plus, who wouldn’t want a man to go through the entire proposal process from buying the ring, planning the proposal and seeking parents (especially the father’s) approval?

While I do believe in this gender role, I do understand why a woman may take it upon herself to propose. Ok maybe I don’t really understand, but here are some possible reasons: she may feel like a guy should not have to deal with the pressure of being the one responsible for taking the relationship to the next level. Or she may feel like she should not have to wait around for him to step up to the plate.  If he hasn’t stepped up in terms of moving the relationships forward, by proposing, a woman may actually be saving herself some time and energy because if he says no she will really know it is time to move on.

I can’t explain a woman’s frame of mind in terms of proposing to her man. What I do know is this: if a man wants to marry you, he will step up and act accordingly.  It’s really that simple.  If you’ve been in a relationship as long as Chrissy has with Jim Jones and he hasn’t made strides towards marriage, something you really want, it is probably not going to happen. He’s just not that into marrying you.