A Diva State of Mind

Me: I’ll just chill and crush from afar. I rather live vicariously through my friends.

One of my girlfriends: Okay but don’t make that your life story. You gotta be BOLD sometimes. Remember, you are not here to be a witness.

During a recent chat with my girlfriends, I inquired about what they do in order to stay out of a guy’s friend zone. I met a guy who is really nice and we went out to happy hour (the idea to go out was approached on a friendship level), however afterwards I thought to myself “I’m not sure I want to be placed in the friend zone just yet.” Can I say I really like a guy after one outing? I’m not sure. But I can say that I am intrigued and would be interested in getting to know him. Some would say that in 2014, if a woman is interested in a guy, she should say something and not be afraid to ask him out. That’s the same advice I received from my girlfriends but of course I punked out.

It seems the older I get the more dating comes up with my parents. They haven’t pressured me into being married by now (I’m thankful for that), but every now and then my dad will ask “so are you dating anyone?” During my birthday lunch, somehow we got on the topic of dating and we talked how women should not be afraid to approach a guy if she’s interested; if you like what you see speak up! As I have heard time and time again, you cannot sit on the couch and expect something to happen. You have to put in time and effort. During my birthday party, one of my girlfriends Samantha asked about my single guy friend Charles because she thought he was cute. I asked her if she wanted to be introduced and she immediately said yes. I did my part and introduced them; they have been dating for the past month. Then last week, another friend called while she was on her way to go play pool with a guy she met the night before at Walmart.

So I started thinking, am I putting myself in a position to be a witness to life instead of participating in it, especially when it comes to my dating life? Don’t get me wrong, dating is not easy.  But am I really doing all that I can to put myself in a position to present new dating opportunities? As much as I say I want to date and put it on my vision board each year, I think subconsciously I have a fear of liking someone and being rejected again (based on many previous experiences). That cycle can get exhausting. I have become very comfortable with my single status.  But sometimes comfortable isn’t really living and after awhile, it allows you to be a witness to what is going on around you instead of participating.

You are not here to be a witness not only relates to the dating life of a single girl who is almost 30 (seriously, where the hell did the time go???) but it also applies to life in general. Often times, we sit back and watch others LIVE. They are checking things off their bucket list. They try something new. They step outside their comfort zone which leads them to a path of fulfillment and purpose.  They grab life by the horns and enjoy each and every moment. That’s the life I want to live. I rather live a life of “oh wells” instead of “what ifs.” I want to say “well at least I tried” even if that means embarrassing myself.

I don’t normally have a motto for the year, but you are not here to be a witness just might be it for 2014. Dating is not the only area in my life that I feel like I have allowed myself to become a witness. And now that I have acknowledged that, I must be proactive in changing my behavior; not allowing myself to become comfortable. You are not here to be a witness is a nice reminder that we are not alive to sit on the sidelines and watch things happen. We are here to be an active participant in this journey called life.

Hmmm….Now should I call this guy and ask him if he wants to go out this weekend?

My line sister Shontadra hit me up on Twitter yesterday and asked for outfit suggestions. She has a lunch date right after a Saturday chapter meeting. We are required to wear business casual clothes to our meetings. Since my LS will be going from meeting to lunch date without having time to change, I put together some business casual looks that are professional but would also do a great job showing off her figure, while leaving something to the imagination of course!

Shontadra reminded me last night to keep in mind that her body top is bigger on top. She has large “girls” so the key to creating the ideal hourglass shape is to deemphasize the top half of her body with wrap tops & dresses and bring attention to the bottom top half of her body.

If you love wearing dresses and don’t currently have a wrap dress or faux wrap dress in your closet, I recommend you purchase one ASAP! This style of dress is flattering on all body types. For a woman who is bigger on top, the v-neck neckline actually deemphasizes the chest and holds the girls in place. If the neckline was too high, it would make a woman’s check look bigger. If a woman is bigger on the bottom, the v-neck would bring attention to the top half of her body. The fabric of wrap dresses skim over the hips so whether your bigger on top or bottom, it doesn’t add volume. For someone with a boyish frame, a wrap dress helps create curves. And the wrap effect across the midsection snatches that waist and hides the midsection, helping to create an hourglass shape.

If you want to trick the eye, find a printed dress like the Diane Von Furstenberg one below. The eye doesn’t know where to look when a woman wears a printed dress, essentially helping to camouflage problem areas (i.e midsection).  Complete the look with fabulous boots, a grey bag and neutral makeup. Save the smokey eye for an evening date.

Shop wrap dresses here:

 

The second look takes up the sex appeal a notch but is still very appropriate for a meeting. Pair an animal print skirt with a blouse. Animal print is treated as a neutral, so while I used a black blouse for this look, any color will work. Specifically fushia, red, colbalt and coral. For Shontadra, I’d recommend a top that doesn’t have pockets on the chest. As mentioned above, the goal for her is to balance the top half of the body, so I’d recommend wearing color and/or print on the bottom half of her body to bring attention away from her chest. Use accessories and lipstick to add a pop of color. Of course if the temperatures drop, this look and the wrap dress outfit can be paired with tights.

 

You may want to wear pants instead of a dress or skirt. That’s fine but shy away from the typical black dress pants. That screams “I’m going to work.” Remember, a date follows the chapter meeting so you want the outfit to be business casual but also fun and flirty. The cream top on the right will work for women who don’t have a large chest. A collar that high and in that color may actually make a women with a large chest look bigger on top. For someone like Shontadra, I’d again recommend a top that doesn’t go all the way to the neck.

Finalize the look with pointed toe heels to elongate the body. If you aren’t too worried about height and rather break up the preppy look with some edge, opt for a bootie instead. Seal the look with eyeliner, mascara and blush.

 

Shontadra, I hope you have a fun on your lunch date! Let me know what outfit you put together for the special occasion.

What do you think of these looks? To see more looks created for various occasions, check out my Style Gallery.

I have concluded that online dating isn’t for me!

In September, I declared I would give it another try. After all, the year wasn’t up yet and I was interested in going on dates.  That week after writing that blog post, I reactivated my account on the same online dating site I signed up on last year.

I updated the “about me” section, uploaded new photos and began searching online for potential suitors. I “winked” at a few guys and also sent emails to those I thought seemed like potential matches. No response…

After being on the site for a few weeks with no luck, I made some minor changes to my profile. It’s good to make changes when things have been idle for a while. Making changes somehow brings a new pool of guys to view your page.

I had listed in my profile that I’m a Redskins fan, so after the Cowboys vs. Redskins game, a guy on the dating site reached out to me with the usually Cowboys/Redskins banter. It was a cute approach. We went back and forth via email for about a week and once the opportunity presented itself to meet in person, he didn’t follow through with plans so we never met up.

Since then, things have been quiet on the site for me. I haven’t come across any new guys that I’m attracted to. Instead, I’ve been contacted by young guys (Gabrielle Union has us believing young is the way to go but I’m not entertaining someone fresh out of college) or I have receive winks from men over 40 (They’re old enough to be an uncle…I can’t).

I have about a month left to go on the site since I paid for three months. I don’t plan on paying for any additional months once my three months are up! I’m not sure online dating is the best avenue for me. It works for some people; a lot of people have met their spouses online. I know for me, meeting potential suitors behind a computer screen right now is not going to work.

Maybe I’ll feel different if I’m still single at age 40…

In December, I decided that I wasn’t going to have a 2013 dating challenge. Last year was fun and definitely a learning experience (you can read about last year’s dating challenge here). But I’ve been doing some thinking lately and with three months left in the year, I may want to put myself up to another challenge after all

I’m going to keep it real with y’all. I am very comfortable in my singleness but I want to date! And since I haven’t met anyone while being out and about this year, online dating may be the next option to try again.

In last year’s online dating post, I said “I am going to stick with trying to meet people by being out and about. If I don’t have any luck, I just may reconsider online dating.” Well ladies and gents, the time has come to reconsider!!

I had a very busy summer attending various concerts, conventions, going on vacation and hanging out in DC. These were great opportunities to meet new guys, yet that didn’t happen. I’m not complaining; I had a great summer! But now that we move into the fall season, I’ll go back to attending after work happy hour and social events that usually include the same people. I need to switch things up in order to be exposed to new people.

My friend Emily, who also signed up for online dating when I did last year, decided she was going to give it a try again this year. Her eagerness to try again plus the $5 Groupon deal I received in my inbox last month inspired me to try again too. After all, what do we really have to lose? If we go on dates and they don’t work out, we can at least say we tried it and we may even have interesting stories to tell!

When I signed up for online dating last year, for a number of reasons, I didn’t give it 100%.  I just couldn’t get into it. But this time around, I am approaching it with a more open mind and enthusiasm. When it comes to approaching guys in person, I’m the worst so don’t expect me to be any better online! Looks like I’ll be hitting up my friend Steph for some guidance. She’s done online dating in the past and has gone on a few dates with guys she’s met online. I could use some tips!

Emily and I plan on reactivating our accounts tonight. We’re going to sign up for 3 months and see how it goes.  I’ll keep you posted!

For those looking to switch things up, would you consider online dating? 2013 isn’t over yet, so there’s plenty of time to try it!

Would you date someone if they lived in another country? I never thought this could possibly work until I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago about a guy she’s dating.

My friend Nancy* was introduced to Dan* via email in March. They were introduced for networking purposes. She was making some major decisions regarding her career and he had been down a similar path so a mutual family member thought it was a good idea that they be introduced.

Nancy initially sent an email to Dan with the intent of networking only. After all, she didn’t really know him so at that point she was hoping he would be a resource to answer career questions she had. But the more and more they talked, via phone and video chats (there was no catfishing going on here!), the more comfortable they became which lead to a mutual attraction.

So after months of “dating,” Nancy caught a flight to London to visit Dan for a week. And I can’t wait to hear about her trip! It’s one thing to date someone in another state. But dating someone overseas requires some serious preparation! I’m not sure how often people dating in different states go without seeing each other, but when you’re dating overseas you can’t get up and visit as often as you’d like. You may go months without seeing each other, unless your ballin’ and can just get up and go when you feel like it. 

For me, my primary love language is quality time meaning I seek quality interaction and communication with others.  That text book definition could mean that technically talking to someone regularly would be fulfilling, but I know me and I like to be in the presence of others. So I’m not sure I’d be the best candidate for a long distance relationship, especially one overseas but everyone is different.  If you met a person of the opposite sex at an event, through a mutual friend, etc. and they lived in another country, would you entertain the idea of dating them?

 Photo: Manifesting My Destiny

*Names have been changed

WE tv is bringing a new reality show to the network title “Pregnant & Dating.” According to the network:

Traditionally, love is followed by marriage  and then along comes motherhood, but in this fresh new original series, viewers join these fearless five as they experience the modern day dating game with a baby on board. The spotlight will be on all the drama, conflict and inherent comedy that ensues when these very spirited and single moms-to-be embark on their quest to find Mr. Right, or at least Mr. Right Now. Refusing to accept stereotypes, these women thoughtfully manage a combination of active hormones, overbearing families, inattentive fathers-to-be and a slew of dates both rocky and redeeming, as they put together their most modern of families.

Twitter was crazy this morning after a local radio personality asked the question “would you date a woman that was pregnant?” There was definitely a variety of comments on this topic!!  Women shared that they were approached by men when pregnant. Some have friends who are now married to the guy that approached them while they were pregnant. Men talked about how pregnant box is supposed to be amazing (really??). Other guys thought any man who approaches a pregnant woman to date or have sex with her is desperate and/or a creeper!  It was a lot going on before 8:30am on a Friday!

After seeing all the comments I finally checked out the trailer. Let me say this: there’s nothing wrong with a single woman looking for love or sex (for those that aren’t looking for a serious relationship). But is looking for love while you prepare to bring a baby into the world the right time? I couldn’t imagine putting my energy into dating while also preparing for motherhood; that preparation would be my first priority. Can’t dating wait until after the baby is born? It’s already hard enough getting adjusted to a newborn, but you want to get adjusted to having a baby AND a new relationship at the same time?! And men, is having sex with a pregnant woman really a fantasy for some of y’all???

After all of the buzz this morning surrounding the show, I’ll be tuning in tonight (May 31st) at 10pm to check it out. While I don’t understand, I’m interested to see why these women chose to find Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now during their pregnancy and the interesting experiences that come out of dating while pregnant.

What are your thoughts on dating while pregnant? Men - Would you date a woman that was pregnant?  Are you tuning in?

“I never thought I would date outside of my race,” Eve admits. “I never thought it would seriously be something that I considered because of where we come from. Interracial dating is still not as prevalent in our community. But when I met him, it was something that was so familiar. We recognize each other in a deeper way. If somebody is treating me the way I’m supposed to be treated, who cares what race he happens to be? It took a while for us to get comfortable, but when things got serious, we went for it. When we first started having pictures taken of us, I got so many negative tweets. It shocked me. I wondered where all of that hatred was coming from. It annoys me because America is a great country. But there are a lot of hypocrites. Would you rather me date someone, like my ex [Stevie J], just because he’s black? Or would you rather me be happy?”

It’s 2013, so crossing racial lines for love shouldn’t be a problem, but for some people it is.  As Eve pointed out, she received a lot of negative feedback when people found out her boyfriend was white. It is because she’s black? Is is because she’s a rapper so she’s expected to date black men?? If she’s happy, why does it matter if her boyfriend is white?

Lately it seems like everyone is engaged, just got married or having kids.  If you’re in your late twenties and single without kids, do you feel like you’re behind?

Every time I talk to one of my friends, the topic of marriage and kids comes up. She’ll be 28 this year and like me, she is not in a relationship. It seems to really bother her that she’s almost 30, without a husband or kids. I sometimes sit and wonder “damn, is it REALLY THAT BAD that you don’t have either of those things right now?”

Where did this idea of being married and having kids before the age of 30 come from? Do women (and men) fear being consider “old parents?” Has society made us feel like we haven’t accomplished anything if marriage and kids don’t happen at a certain age?

I’ll be 28 in March and personally I don’t feel pressure to be married or have kids right now. Do I want to be in a relationship?  Yes. Am I ready to walk down the aisle right now? No.  Post graduate school, I don’t think I envisioned myself getting married before 30. And I’m definitely not ready for kids right now. I’m still trying to get my life in order; how can I possibly be responsible for someone else??

I was getting my hair done on Friday and the married lady next to me starting talking about how women these days are so pressed for marriage that often times they settle. PREACH!!! Instead of enjoying single life, dating and waiting to find a mate, some women end up settling just so they can have the title of being someone’s wife.  To all of you out there wanting to get married and have kids, please don’t settle!! If you end up not getting married until you’re over 30 years old, that is ok! That’s better than settling for someone at 28 and not being happy.

Everyone has their own timeline of when they want things to happen in life. Marriage and kids are some of those things we cannot control (if you believe in having children after you’re married). I would hope that while we all pursue living a life of love with a significant other and creating our own families in the future, we don’t feel like we are incomplete or we haven’t accomplished much because those areas are temporarily missing. Let’s have faith that we will receive the desires of our heart when the time is right!

What are your thoughts on marriage and kids?  If you’re in your late twenties, do you feel pressured to get married and have kids by a certain age? 

In September I told you I met a guy at a restaurant when I ran into a mutual friend. Well, we dated for a few months but unfortunately things ended a couple weeks ago.  Was I disappointed? Yes. But I also understand that all seasons must come to an end, whether it is four months or four years. I know that dating is a process and if I am going to date I will experience many situations that don’t work out before I experience one that does.

This year of the “dating challenge” was an interesting one.  It really became less about the dating challenge activities and more about my attitude towards dating.  As someone who did not date often in the past, deciding to challenge myself and attempt to have some control over my dating life this year was a big deal.   This year was fun and a little emotional but also a learning experience.

Here are a few dating takeaways I gained personally from my own experience and my friend’s dating experience:

1. Being receptive and having a positive attitude makes meeting new people easier and more fun.  And it just may increase your chances of meeting someone whether through a friend or at a restaurant.

2. Move on if you don’t feel any chemistry.  Life’s too short to waste your time or your date’s time.

3. As much as many of us hate to do it, we’re going to have to take a chance and let our guard down if we’re dating someone we really like. Yes there’s a chance things won’t work out but we’ll never know if we’re always so guarded.

4. Don’t pray for a mate and then sit back and do nothing. You won’t find your future mate by sitting on the couch every night.  As Demetria L. Lucas said “Degrees aren’t handed down; they are earned. Promotions don’t just appear; you strategize to get them. Money doesn’t fall from the sky; you work for it. Meeting high-quality men, dating and marrying are not exceptions to the rule.”

I won’t declare a dating challenge for 2013, but do I hope that I will continue to meet new people and date.  The New Year equals new opportunities; I am excited to see 2013 has to offer!

What was your dating experience like this year?

I am still a little indifferent about online dating.  I’m a fan of meeting people organically but I understand it’s also 2012 and times have changed!

Although I was apprehensive about online dating, I was asked to try it for a month!! My friend Nicole* wasn’t having any luck meeting guys so she wanted to try online dating to see if she could meet new people.  Of course she didn’t want to do this alone, so she asked me and my friend Emily* to join her. Last month, Emily and I sat down on my couch with our computers and signed up for match.com.

Signing up for an online dating site takes forever!  There are a lot of questions, which I understand because the site wants to make sure they find the best matches. After creating an account, we were given the option to search for guys based on our preferences. There’s the option to wink at people (similar to poking folks on Facebook) or send them an email.

Now some dudes do the most when you meet them in person.  Unfortunately, it’s no different online!  One guy sent me and Emily the exact same email, word for word. Another guy insulted me; my guess is because I did not respond to his message fast enough.  Two weeks later, he sent me a “hey how are you?” message like he didn’t already email me and insult me two weeks prior. A few others wrote dissertations on what they were looking for and asked “if I was that somebody” (we’re quoting Aaliyah now?) And then there was one guy who asked for my name in 3 different emails.  I think he was getting all of the women he contacted on the site confused. Sigh…

The guys that did send “normal” “hey how are you” messages seemed cool. Some even offered their number, but I just couldn’t get into it. And that’s probably because I wasn’t really interested in online dating, although at the rate I am going I should probably take it more seriously.

Nicole went out on a date with a guy she met on the site but it he wasn’t really her type so they haven’t communicated since. I was proud of her though because she did step outside her comfort zone by signing up on the site and she accomplished her goal of finding a date.

Like everything else, online dating is for some and not for others. If you are truly committed to finding guys to date and you have the energy to be proactive on a dating site, give it a try! You never know, you just might find what you’re looking for. As for me, for now I am going to stick with trying to meet people by being out and about. If I don’t have any luck, I just may reconsider online dating.

Stay tuned for a final dating challenge update of 2012!

*names have been changed